Q I have been with my boyfriend for 11 years. We started dating his junior year of high school, my senior year. We lived apart while he finished his senior year and I went to college. We then moved closer together and continued with school.
We have never lived together, not even now. Because of our busy schedules, we only see each other Saturday and Sunday unless I stay at his house. Sexually we have only been with each other. I am now 29, he is 28, and I am ready to get married and buy a house.
He says he is interested, maybe even buy the house first, but it is not the right time for marriage. I am hurt and confused. After all this time he should know. I am in love with him, and we do really well together. We have a good sex life, a good social life, and enough in common and enough differences to make it interesting.
I have asked if he wants to end it, and he says, “No way!” He does want to get married someday, and we have even been out looking at houses. But when I push he says he is not ready, and I end up in tears. Should I wait, or am I blind to the fact he won’t ever be ready?
A Demi, many golfers don’t want to play golf seven days a week. For them two days a week, on the weekend, is enough.
Usually when a relationship drags on for years, the odds are it won’t progress. Most of us suffer from the Lake Wobegon effect, named after Garrison Keillor’s mythical town where “all the children are above average.” We think our case is not average, and we will beat the odds. Odds apply to other people.
Psychologists have a twist on this idea. They call it anchoring. They suggest we often anchor on an idea in our head, then view the whole world in terms of that idea. You, for example, may think if this one man doesn’t marry me, I won’t get to have marriage, children, and a home.
Anchoring on one man explains why some women don’t end a relationship until it goes to marriage followed by divorce. Only after forcing a wedding will they finally accept their partner did not love them.
Your story reads like, “There once was a young woman who met the man of her dreams. She proposed marriage each year and each year he said no….” That doesn’t sound like a story which ends in happily ever after.
Wayne & Tamara
Q When I talk to my boyfriend about us, he recently confided he was “afraid” of me. I asked him what he meant. He said he only felt this once before, and when they split up he knew he didn’t want to feel like that again.
He tells me he loves me, after four years almost, but he does not share his life with me. I share my entire life.
I love him dearly. He asks that I wait another year, and he will then be able to share. Part of me believes him—but I wouldn’t be writing you if I totally believed. I’m not getting any younger. Suggestions?
A Shari, olive oil is produced in two basic ways. Ninety percent of it comes from the first cold pressing. That’s the best olive oil, and it is classified as virgin. The remaining 10 percent comes from refining the leftovers with heat, chemicals, or additional pressure. It is tasteless, and not all of it is fit for human consumption.
It is the same with offers to share a life. An offer too long in coming, artificially produced, or obtained through additional pressure will prove unpalatable.
Wayne & Tamara
Invade – to enter as if to take possession, to intrude upon.