Direct Answers from Wayne &Tamara

Relationship advice authors and columnists Wayne & Tamara Mitchell

Relationship Advice Authors and Columnists

Direct Answers from Wayne &Tamara

Relationship advice authors and columnists Wayne & Tamara Mitchell

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Advice - Q&A's by Issue

Looking for Love

where, when

motherInLaw

Mother-in-law

Why can't we all just get along

ClingingToAPastRelationship

Clinging to a past relationship

Can't or won't let go

CamelsBack

The Straw that Broke the Camel's Back

The seemingly insignificant thing which causes the inability or unwillingness to endure any more of the burden.

Why Won't You Marry Me?

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Expiration Date

Q I have been with my boyfriend two years, and we’ve had our disagreements. I believe we always come out of them better people realizing we both have aspects of our personality we need to work on.

     He thinks it would be a good idea to live together before we get married. I do not. My thinking is, if you want to live with me then why not just get married? This argument went on and on until I compromised and said, “I will live with you only if I have a ring and a wedding date.”

     My boyfriend has his own apartment, which I do not have the key to, and I have been spending a lot of time there lately. About a year ago, he left me because we had a difference in religious beliefs, but the next day he came back and apologized. I forgave him and we sorted everything out.

     A month ago we had a discussion about him liking it when I was at his apartment. He said he wants me in his life, I help him figure things out, and he wished I could be there all the time. I told him, “You can easily fix that…it’s called engagement.” And then I left.

     I called him back in a few hours and said, “Fine, we’ll do the counseling thing. It would be good for both of us.” He says he is not ready for marriage because he can’t tell me when he’s upset with me. We are in counseling for this, and my fear is he will keep coming up with excuses why we can’t marry.

     I promised myself I will not be one of those girls who sits around every holiday and birthday, thinking, “Oh! Maybe he’ll give me a ring now!” I’m not like that, and I never want to be. When he told me he’s afraid I will walk out on him again, I remind him he has always walked out on me.

     I’m afraid I am wasting my time. I want to be married, and I want to have children and so does he. Should I stick it out or walk away?

     Nicole

A Nicole, if you are looking for a strategy to get what you want, skip the counseling and save the money. There is a cheaper solution. Stop delivering yourself to his apartment. The current arrangement doesn’t even cost your boyfriend the time to date you.

     It’s not that you have an old-fashioned sensibility. Rather you have a down-to-earth nature, and you are no country bumpkin. You know moving in will make it too convenient for him not to marry you. When he tires of the arrangement, he won’t need a divorce. He will simply tell you to move out.

     A man who loves a woman wants to make her his own. Counseling sessions are a sign that the deep connection, which must be there for love to last a lifetime, is absent. The most obvious conclusion is that your boyfriend isn’t confused. He knows what he wants. He wants you without marriage.

     Wayne & Tamara