Writing you is the last thing I would normally do. I never talk about my problems to anyone. In fact, I’m the person people come to if they need advice. But I’m stuck, so I thought I’d drop my pride and write.
In March my boyfriend, 28, broke up with me. I was shattered, literally, shattered. I had no idea. We were together two years and lived with each other basically from the word go. Nonetheless, we remain in close contact and spend most weekends together.
We are both working in a foreign country, and I think for both of us it means company more than anything else. Five months later, I still hurt when I think of the nonexistent us, but I’ve managed to get through it okay and put it all down to getting over him.
Our weekends are casual and relaxed, usually watching movies, lying at the pool, playing Scrabble or cards and just laughing like we always did. Once or twice things have gotten sexual, but too few times to count, which I think we are both grateful for.
I loved not losing him as my friend, and thank whoever is listening that I have not lost him altogether. Although he broke my heart, he did it with the best of intentions.
His main reason for calling it off with me was he felt he hadn’t experienced enough of everything before settling down with one girl. Although he loved me dearly, he couldn’t waste my time feeling the way he did. Anyway, to cut a long story short, it has been incredible having a friend again.
However, today I found out he’s been seeing someone else, and without even knowing the details, I feel crippled. I couldn’t be happier for him knowing he is experiencing things he might’ve missed out on, but I had no idea I still cared that much.
I know this is a normal reaction, but for the first time I need help. I need to get over him properly and for good. I am the perfect story of someone who has excellent advice to give, but won’t listen to her own advice.
Melinda, have you ever been in love with a car or a pet or a friend, then thought, but I haven’t driven all the other cars, had all the other pets, or had all the other possible friends, so I’m moving on?
This is a man, 28, working in a foreign country, dating and having sex with a woman for two years, and he wants you to believe he’s an innocent lad of 16 who hasn’t experienced the world. No, he was an unhappy man who thought the grass was greener on the other side.
In the short story The Monkey’s Paw, a man and woman make a wish to get their son back from the grave. When the wish is granted, their son returns just as he was when he died, horribly mutilated from an industrial accident. At that point, all his parents want is for him to return to the grave.
Who their son was to them is gone, just as who this man was to you is also gone. Why are you shattered? Because you thought his feelings for you equaled your feelings for him.
What did the parents in the story need? Time and distance from their son’s death to accept things and move on. Just so, you need distance from this man and time, so the pain goes away.
You were hoping to resurrect a dead relationship, but what we need in time of loss are time and distance. Since you can’t accept what he has done to you, stay away from him.
There are two death knells in a relationship heading toward marriage. One is “marry me or else.” The other is “I need to see other people.”
Wayne & Tamara
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