The seemingly insignificant thing which causes the inability or unwillingness to endure any more of the burden.
Q I have been involved with a married woman for six months. I know her husband through an organization he runs, and I began speaking to his wife online. She is very outgoing, and we began instant messaging. Most of the talks were friendly and comical, and I told her I liked her.
Eventually we met and upon being alone, ended up making out. Neither of us can be blamed for what happened because we both kind of pushed the issue. I am a very realistic person, and I’m guessing she doesn’t love me like I love her.
With her husband she has two children. I know she’s not stupid enough to diminish her self-interest because her situation now is far better than it would be with me. I’m looking into justification for my next action. I love her. I know she doesn’t want to be caught, and I’m wondering if it’s best to walk away, or to increase the chances she will be caught.
A Martin, you say she is not to blame and you are not to blame. We agree. You are both to blame.
Look at what’s going on. She’s the one with the power, and she’s not going to leave her husband. The only power you have is the power to punish her. You think, if her husband catches her, he will divorce her. Then she will come to you. That’s not likely. If you expose her, she will blame you.
You are counting on divorce as the recognized penalty for adultery, rather than thinking, “I should not be doing this and neither should she.” You created this imbroglio. Rather than looking for someone free to be with you, you took a shortcut through a back alley. Now you’ve hit upon a spiteful solution so distant from love it is hair-raising.
Wayne & Tamara
Q I just started a wonderful new job. The atmosphere is laid-back, and the people alone make the place fantastic. The best of them all is my boss. She is 29, a month my elder, and very comely in appearance.
At first I was merely attracted to her, but as time went on, I fell hard. I couldn’t put my finger on it, but she has such a sweet and gentle spirit. Problem is she’s not only my boss. She’s married.
At weekly meetings, I didn’t want them to end. I’d lose focus during the conversation. I’d stare at her when she was talking. She is such a delightful and special person I couldn’t help it. I wished I could be with her all day.
On some occasions, I thought she had to know this. It was killing me inside. She’d walk by me in a sundress, and I’d look her over. I would notice her looking down at me coyishly, then she’d get a call from her husband and be all happy to hear from him. I cut my eyes back to my computer, upset.
I thought I had to tell her, so one Friday, I did. She told me everything I needed to hear. She said she was happily married. I said I wouldn’t hurt her in her career. She told me to get over it. I told her it was done, but that I love her in a way that makes me want to do the best for her.
I want to be there for her, but now she’s very cold to me. I say hello in the hallway and she walks by me quicker. Her actions appear scripted. It sears my soul every day to think I hurt or scared her in any way. Will things return to normal so we can be close friends in spite of all this?
A Reynold, you will never be close friends because friends is not what you want from her. She gave you no opening for your remarks. You created a problem for her with a subordinate, a problem with no easy solution except to keep you at arm's length.
You created a permanent difficulty in your new job, one which can influence your chances for raises and promotion. The only solution is to keep your eyes and your thoughts to yourself and do your job.
You are looking at this strictly from your own point of view. Where did you get the idea you can tell any married woman you are romantically and sexually attracted to her? That would mean, when you marry, any man is free to hit on your wife.
When crossing the street, it is best to look both ways. If you think only of your own objective, the opposite curb, you are likely to get run over.
Wayne & Tamara
Invade – to enter as if to take possession, to intrude upon.