Direct Answers from Wayne &Tamara

Relationship advice authors and columnists Wayne & Tamara Mitchell

Relationship Advice Authors and Columnists

Direct Answers from Wayne &Tamara

Relationship advice authors and columnists Wayne & Tamara Mitchell

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Advice - Q&A's by Issue

Looking for Love

where, when



Why can't we all just get along


Clinging to a past relationship

Can't or won't let go

The seemingly insignificant thing which causes the inability or unwillingness to endure any more of the burden.

Relationship Invader

Playing With Matches

Q I just found an old boyfriend I dated when I was 14. Tom has been married now for 10 years. Happily, I might add. He told me so. My problem is his wife hates me.

     When my husband and I are at this couple’s house, she acts fine in front of him, but when he leaves the room, she makes remarks about us leaving.  When he returns she says, “You don’t have to leave.  We’re not pushing you out.”

     My thinking was to get to know him all over again, and her also.  I have to admit Tom has asked inappropriate questions, like when he asked me if I would pop up somewhere with just a long coat on.  Or the time he mentioned my breasts and said, “Where did you get those?”  His wife laughed and said we are the same size. 

     One thing, though, she has implants and I don’t.   We were at a bar and because it’s such a long drive home, Tom thoughtfully invited us to spend the night at their house.  She said she just put clean sheets in the spare bedroom, but when we got there, she made it known we were not welcome.

     All my life I grew up with other girls not liking me, and the married ones don’t want me around their husbands.  I’m very religious and would never commit adultery.  I don’t even look at Tom that way. 

     Years ago when we dated I was shy, and he intimidated me.  Now I speak right up, and it’s nice for a change.  All three of us get along, it’s her I don’t know what to do about.  I am having nightmares because it is bothering me so much.


A Gale, in the movie "The Shawshank Redemption," a convict named Andy Dufresne is serving life for two murders he didn't commit.

     The prison warden is a corrupt man who is using the prison to line his own pockets.  He will never free Andy because Andy knows about his dirty dealings.

     When Andy comes across evidence which will clear him, he tells the warden.  Exasperated, Andy blurts out, “Are you being deliberately obtuse?” 

   Gale you said, “All my life I grew up with other girls not liking me, and the married ones don’t want me around their husbands” Are you being deliberately obtuse! 

     Are you that bored with your own marriage?  The truth is you want this flirtation and the thrill of pursuit, and you don’t care what that does to this woman’s marriage.

     You are standing in your living room poring gasoline on the carpet and chairs.  What we say may not make a difference, but if you are asking for our permission to strike a match, the answer is no.

     Wayne & Tamara


Another Man's Wife

Q For three years I have worked with a woman, and we have been great friends. There were more feelings discussed earlier, but she was betrothed to another and followed through on that commitment.

     Since then, she says, although there are fleeting moments of happiness her overall marriage is not happy.  She does not get the treatment any woman deserves from a husband, though, I admit my viewpoint is biased.

     Since she decided to marry, I have pursued other relationships.  All ended in disaster.  Each time I fall back on the feelings I have for her, and even now she admits she has feelings for me.

     It appears she is afraid to leave her husband and is waiting for yet another hurtful thing from him before making any move.  I don’t want to take on the appearance of a marriage breaker, but this man is certainly not her other half.

     She knows how deep my feelings run, and that I’d wait for her if I knew she would be there in the end.  I’m not sure what her intentions are.  Will she get fed up and leave him?  What do I do, be the passive friend or aggressive pursuer?


A Edward, the comedienne Carol Burnett once played a woman waiting for her married lover to divorce his wife. After each rendezvous, she grows older. Finally he divorces his wife and rushes to her apartment.

     As usual she is waiting by the door for him.  He thrusts the door open, knocking her through an open window.  He looks around, doesn’t see her, then rushes out and marries another woman.  In the final scene, the man returns to his old lover, expecting to cheat on his new wife with her.

     This woman at work enjoys your interest, pursuit, and shared confidences.  She enjoys receiving foreplay from you, but she is married to another.  You are allowing your life to be held hostage by another man’s wife.

     Wayne & Tamara