I have been married for three years and five months, and I’m afraid I’m going to push my husband away.

     In the early part of our relationship, before we married, my soon-to-be husband would stare at other women. I told him how it made me feel, which is that I am not pretty. He said he would work on it.

     After we married, things didn’t change and we parted. Now we’re back together. He doesn’t stare at other women, but every now and then he glances. When I spot a pretty woman walking, I watch to see if he is going to look when she passes.

     I get so angry inside. I hate the anger and jealousy I feel. I can’t go anywhere with him without worrying if there will be someone he’s looking at.

     There is another issue. If we go somewhere and I am getting ready, I feel he has to tell me I look pretty, and if he doesn’t, I get angry.

     Help me understand what’s going on and help me stop. I make him feel uncomfortable if we go anywhere together.

     Valentina

      Valentina, he had a wandering eye before you married, and you could have stopped it then.

     After you married, nothing changed. Now look what this has made of you: an emotional wreck, perpetually scouting the horizon for his ogling material..

     Perhaps you may not have had the most robust self-esteem in the beginning, but this has destroyed the last vestiges of your self-regard.

     Once upon a time marriage was more important to you than his ogling. What excuse did you use to go forward? That’s the most important question to answer. But see the letter and answer below.

     Wayne & Tamara

Got That Lovin’ Feeling?

     My girlfriend and I have been dating for a little over a year. We are both 24. We have what I would call a healthy relationship. Yeah, we’ll get snippy at each other, but we’re good at resolving problems.

     Here’s the situation. We go to the gym to work out together, which is cool. Recently I’ve noticed her staring at other guys. I mean not just taking a quick glance or anything, but actually watching them as they walk by her.

     She’ll turn her head completely around as they stroll by. When I say something like “Having fun?” she’ll totally deny looking, even though I was sitting right there watching her stare.

     Now, hey, I’m not a perfect angel at the gym either. I’ll glance at women walking by, but I don’t go into full drooling mode either. Am I crazy for letting this bother me so much? Or should I let my girlfriend know she needs to tone it down?

    Justin

     Justin, it may be hard to accept, but she is still looking. With all she knows about you, her head is being turned by men she has no clue about. 

     The connection you feel for her is stronger than the connection she feels for you. Once the person you are with makes you feel they would rather be with someone else, you can be sure you are with the wrong one.

     The men in the gym are not men in a magazine or on a TV screen. They are real people she could become involved with. Yet she acts like a starving woman in a bakery. If she felt nourished, she wouldn’t act famished. 

     People are free to use their eyeballs as they wish, as long as it is legal.

     But a classic song says, “I don’t know if we’re in a garden or on a crowded avenue, dear / I only have eyes for you.” The essence of love is being with the person who makes you feel that way. While your partner and Valentina’s partner are free to do as they wish, they are not free to make you accept it.

     Wayne & Tamara

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