Hopefully, you can help. I am 54 and my fiancée is 40. We are very much in love. I was widowed two years ago, and she divorced six years back. We will be married in two months. Our sex life is wonderful, and we both have high sex drives.
During a conversation the other day, we were exploring each other’s past as we’ve done before. I asked how many men she’d had sex with. After a moment, she said 10. I know she has two children widely apart in age, so I knew about two or three partners, but…10?
I love her deeply and know she loves me, and I know I should not let this get to me, but it does. It bothers me terribly. It hurts to think of her in the arms of another man. I don’t know if I feel inadequate or what.
All I know is I wish she hadn’t had all those relationships.
Wendall, you’re wishing for the wrong thing. You should be wishing you hadn’t asked the question. You brought this on yourself. Did you think she needed to save herself for you until she was 40?
The only measure in a relationship is whether it is right for you and right for her, when the two of you are together. Yet you want to let all that go because you weren’t the first one to see the movie.
Three weeks ago, D.K. Metcalf, a wide receiver for the Seattle Seahawks, caught a 63-yard pass from Russell Wilson for an apparent touchdown. Two yards from the endzone, Metcalf relaxed his gait and held the ball in one hand in celebration.
A defensive player came from behind and knocked the ball out of Metcalf’s hand and through the endzone. D.K. Metcalf not only failed to score, the other team got the ball.
We have only one question for you. Why are you trying to fumble the ball on the 2-yard line?
Wayne & Tamara
I made the mistake of asking my husband of 12 years if he still loved an old girlfriend. I guess I hoped he would say no. His response was, “I still love her but in a caring way.”
This makes me feel insecure. He tells me he loves me, but that statement made me feel he has lingering feelings for another woman. What do you think?
Amanda, the only way a man could avoid a question like that is by feigning a heart attack. Even then, we think you would elbow the EMTs aside so you could ask him again.
Your question is the most devious kind of misdirection. Your husband hadn’t just come from a school reunion, nor did you catch him looking her up on the internet. The question came out of the blue and entirely from you.
If we give you the benefit of the doubt, we would say the question was a hypothetical and boredom caused you to ask. Looking at it more critically, we suspect the question points to feelings of yours that you would like to push off on him.
What are you trying to get started, and why, if you love your husband, would you try to set him up so you can be aghast at his response? For him it was a no-win situation. If he says no, you’d think he’s lying because many of us remember our early loves fondly. If he says yes, well, you’ve seen the result.
We suspect you brought it up because you’re not feeling it. We also suspect, if you were sure of your own feelings, you would not have gone there.
Perhaps you want him to squeeze you tighter, because you don’t feel the connection. But he gave a sensible, reasonable answer, and you are not happy with it. We can’t help but wonder if your failure to love him has become his failure to make you feel loved.
Women, happy and in love, don’t put men through this.
Wayne & Tamara
Email us at DirectAnswers@WayneAndTamara.com