Direct Answers from Wayne &Tamara

Relationship advice authors and columnists Wayne & Tamara Mitchell

Relationship Advice Authors and Columnists

Direct Answers from Wayne &Tamara

Relationship advice authors and columnists Wayne & Tamara Mitchell

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Advice - Q&A's by Issue

Looking for Love

where, when

motherInLaw

Mother-in-law

Why can't we all just get along

ClingingToAPastRelationship

Clinging to a past relationship

Can't or won't let go

CamelsBack

The Straw that Broke the Camel's Back

The seemingly insignificant thing which causes the inability or unwillingness to endure any more of the burden.

Just Say No...

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Love's Beggar

Q I am 20. Five months ago I started dating a coworker, 29. We work in separate departments, so we are not on top of each other every day. When we started dating, I told him I was looking for a relationship. He said he had just gotten out of a two year relationship four months before.

     We talk on the phone every day and see each other at least twice a week.  I thought we were on our way to making it official as a couple—at least until two days ago.  That’s when he confessed this new girl at work wants to get back together with him.  That was a shocker.

     Before we started dating he dated her for a month, but she broke it off because he was moving too fast.  Now he says he is stuck in the middle because he has feelings for both of us and doesn’t want to hurt either of us.  I told him he was too late because he is already hurting me by leaving me to get together with her.

     I said I was beginning to fall in love with him, which is true, and if he cared as much as he said he did, he would stay with me.  Well, he told me he wanted to be with me and he would tell her his decision.  And he did.

     Problem solved, right?  Wrong!  While I was on the phone with him, she shows up at his house, and they have a long talk.  He tells me she said he is confused, and now he doesn’t want to talk about it anymore because he’s stuck in the middle of a situation he doesn’t want to be in.

     I hurt so much when I realize I could lose him, because I have strong feelings for him.  I want to be with him, and I already told him how I feel.  What else am I to do?

     Shauna

A Shauna, some stories stick with us because they condense a truth in an unforgettable way. For us, one such story was a news item about a pilot guiding a large ship into port. When the ship collided with the pillar of a bridge, gravely damaging both the bridge and the vessel, the first words out of the pilot’s mouth were, “Don’t tell anybody.”

     People aren’t honest naturally.  We are animalistic.  Our self-preservation mechanism is still so strong that a lie is the first thing which tries to come to our lips.  Only our good character can stop it.

     Your boyfriend is weak and a coward.  When you jumped up and down, arguing with him, he didn’t have the courage to say he doesn’t want to be with you.  Instead, he threw his hands in the air and said, “I’m confused.”  But he doesn’t love you.  He can’t explain why he doesn’t, he just doesn’t.

     No man can tell any woman exactly why he loves her.  Love is an unmeasured quality, beyond factors and reasons.  With a man who cares about you, you don’t have to beg.  But when you beg, you know for sure you are not loved.  Arguing will not change that.

     You think you have to make this relationship work because you are hungry for love.  That is the first misstep in falling down a long staircase.  When you find yourself tripping on the first step, you must grab the rail so you don’t fall all the way down the stairs.

     What railing are we talking about?  The railing of reality.  Grab hold of reality and say I’ve dated him five months, I told him how I feel, he doesn’t love me, and I’m not going to beg any man to be with me.

     Treat yourself as a person of value.  Prize yourself, as the one who loves you will prize you.  You need to be some man’s first choice, his right choice.

     Wayne & Tamara