The seemingly insignificant thing which causes the inability or unwillingness to endure any more of the burden.
Q My fiancée cheated on me. We dated in college and broke up because she cheated on me and I found out. That was five years ago. Since then we’ve been together off and on. We are best friends to the core and love spending time together.
We got back together last December and got engaged in April. A quick engagement, but we know everything there is to know about the other and can’t imagine not being in each other’s life. We are both 27 and, I thought, ready for marriage.
Well, three weeks ago she went to an environmental conference in France. We e-mailed each other every day until last week. Since then I’ve received two e-mails, both short and missing her normal upbeat tone. I knew something was up.
So I went into her e-mail account yesterday, which was completely wrong of me. I couldn’t help myself. From a heart-wrenching note to her best friend, I learned she cheated on me with a 35-year-old Englishman at the same program. She is not sure she loves him but has serious doubts about marrying me.
I love her, but at the same time I am absolutely furious. The worst part is I must wait another week to see her. Her family loves me and will be so upset with what she has done. Can this be fixed? Can we move past this and stay engaged?
A Anthony, Paul Ekman is a psychologist who has spent much of his career studying lies and liars. This is what he says about lying: “Nobody knows the ability it takes to reestablish trust. You can’t work with someone, let alone live with someone, if you don’t trust them.”
Billionaire investor and philanthropist Warren Buffett expressed the same idea in different words. He said, “You can’t make a good deal with bad people.” He also said something you should have paid attention to last December. “You don’t have to make money back the same way you lost it.”
When you notice a mole changing color and shape, you go to a doctor to see if it is malignant. That’s what you did when you went into your fiancée’s e-mail account. You had reason to be suspicious, and you discovered your suspicions were correct.
Five years ago you were offered a chance to learn a lesson. If you had mastered it, you might be married to the right woman now. But as an old cliché says, when we don’t master a lesson in life, it keeps coming back at us until we do.
Wayne & Tamara
Q I’ve been dating a man almost a year. The only problem is I am extremely affectionate, but he is the opposite. He says he has always been like this. He is generous and kind to me, but the lack of affection leaves me feeling unloved.
I have tried to let this go because everything else works so well, but it always comes back around in my mind. After our first date, when my best friend asked me how it went, my answer was, “He is emotionally unavailable.”
I feel he stays with me because we get along so well, but he is still in love with the ex-wife who left him. Their relationship was miserable, but everyone seems to know how much he loved her, including me. I don’t think he loves me like he loved her.
A Kathryn, many women see a wedding as not just a goal but a magical gate. They think when they enter the gate, everything will be splendid. You have the wisdom to look over the gate and see what a future with this man holds.
There is a story from India about an archery teacher who put a target in a tree. When he asked each of his pupils to say what they saw as they aimed, most said they saw the tree, the target, and the other archers. That answer angered the teacher.
One archer, however, won the teacher’s praise. He said when he aimed he saw only the target. That is what you must do. Adjust your aim and shoot for love.
Wayne & Tamara
Invade – to enter as if to take possession, to intrude upon.