Relationship Advice

Focal Point

woman

You know, I've just gone through yet another bad experience with a man. In my pain I looked online, probably because I'm in a strange city of three years now and still only know the people at work. I've let my insecurities and low self-esteem get to me and can't deal with living in such a plastic place.

But the job keeps me here. Alone. Another issue I will have to face because my happiness has cost me dearly. Or has it? Maybe I need to make the best of where I am because I was once told "no matter where you go, there you are."

Now looking back, my journeys have taken me to so many different places and the truth is I've been running from me and all the horrible things I feel I am deep down. It's a struggle I battle every day, constantly turning to the same type of man again and again, because I believe them when they say they love me.

I so desperately want to be loved, yet I always find they're players and not truthful. But they are just so perfect for the first few months. Then the truth unveils itself and I'm back to square one.

You'd think I'd have learnt at 32 years of age and so many failed attempts. Regardless, I came across your column. I love how you utilize quotes from stories, myths and books you've read along the way.

I have to say in all the times I reached out for love--and I've been doing it over the computer for it all to blow up in my face--this is the first time I found it. Why? Because there are no lies behind your words, but truth. And the truth always sets you free.

No matter how painful it can be to face, it's not nearly as painful as not acknowledging it.

Trish


Trish, playwright Eugene O'Neill said, "There is no present or future, only the past happening over and over again." That's a different way of saying, "No matter where you go, there you are."

Changing our locale doesn't usually alter our problems; usually it just alters the scenery. As someone who has read our column, you know we don't give blanket recommendations to "go to counseling."

But sometimes we need a little assistance; sometimes we need to talk to someone about what needs to be done first. It's like buying your first home, choosing a college to attend or picking a vacation spot. The question is, how do I decide the most important thing to do first?

The most important thing for you isn't the man in your life. The most important thing is you. Nobody can make you feel as good about you as you can, and there are people who can assist.

Usually when someone feels deeply bad about themselves it's because they had either an abusive parent or one who was neglectful or ambivalent about them. The overt damage may have occurred at a time when you were too young to understand, be aware or remember what happened.

If that's the case for you, then all you were left with is a sense of bafflement at the way your life is unfolding. In such a case, it can help to find an individual counselor who is older than you--someone you can be a child with.

It doesn't matter that you are now an adult. It was the child in you who was injured. That's why talking to someone older may be useful. You need someone who can talk to your inner 5, 10 or 15-year-old.

It's like going back to your high school reunion. School reunions put us back in time. In the same way it may be wise for you to go back in time and deal with those underlying, now-mysterious matters.

Wayne & Tamara