Relationship Advice

What If

50-ish woman

I've always found older men attractive. Now I find myself in love with, and about to marry, a man 11 years my junior.

When we are together, I don't see or feel the age difference. But when I turn 50 in December, he will still be in his late 30s for a year and four months. That scares me. So far, only one person has asked if I am his mom, and her son is married to an older woman!

We have spoken about children. He doesn't want any. My friends and relatives have no problem with our age difference, and I look seven years younger than I am. He jokes that I will retire before he does. But I ask myself, when I am older like in my 60s, will he still want me?

He's never been married. He says he waited all his life for me and I am the first woman he has ever loved. I am so worried for him. Will he always feel this way? I love him and have not been so happy since my kids were born. He is tender and loving, and he can keep up with me in the sex department lol.

Yes, that's the question. Even though his family has accepted me with open arms, will he look for a younger woman in a few years' time? Am I the only older woman who thinks this? I worry because I am moving from Canada to the States for him, leaving all I know behind.

Heather


Heather, your letter has a bit of a "robbing the cradle" tone. You aren't. He's nearly 40. What does that say about him? He is not impetuous. He could have been married, perhaps several times, by now.

If he were a "settler," he likely would have married already. And, if he wanted kids, he would already be somebody's father. There are men who live in the moment, who run around without any concern about creating new lives. He is not like that.

So, if he is not those things, what is he? He is a rather thoughtful, steadfast, earnest, reality-based sort of man. He's been on the planet 30-plus years before encountering the woman who caused him to be in love. Accept what he has shown himself to be.

What is part of your problem? You are moving from all you know to be with him. You have to squelch the natural kind of insecurity that comes from that. The other part of your problem is being with a man 11 years your junior. It's uncommon, but we have seen it work.

Though you are leaving your safety net behind, your safety net has not gone anywhere. You can keep in contact with all your long-standing relationships. In addition, you are adding a new safety net: his friends and family who have embraced you.

Your life is entering a second act, like going away to college. Enjoy it. Life is to be lived. No one has a crystal ball. You can't let a what-if, that you have seen no sign of, stop you from living.

None of us would get out of bed in the morning if we sorted through the negative what-ifs that might happen. The possibilities range from "what if the toast is burnt" to "what if an oncoming car crosses into my lane."

Let us give you one more what-if. What if none of the things you fear happen, but the what-ifs keep you from living?

Wayne & Tamara

Email Wayne & Tamara: DirectAnswers@WayneAndTamara.com