Direct Answers from Wayne &Tamara

Relationship advice authors and columnists Wayne & Tamara Mitchell

Relationship Advice Authors and Columnists

Direct Answers from Wayne &Tamara

Relationship advice authors and columnists Wayne & Tamara Mitchell

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February 21, 2021 -- Week # 1141

Rushing a Deadline

Q After a decade-long marriage, I finally got the courage to leave. It ended a year after our child was born. Two years later I met someone I had immediate chemistry with.

     She was everything I looked for in a woman, or at least that is what I felt at the time. We lived near each other and it was so easy, except that she wanted to get married and have a child. I was struggling with the ex and being a part-time father, and I was nowhere near ready to take that on again.

     I was afraid it would ruin what we had. She was persistent about having a child, and it became a big issue. I just wanted her to give me time. Of course, time is the one thing a woman of 33 doesn’t have.

     After 15 exciting months of lovemaking, she asked to move in. Her friends needed a place to stay—they were having a house built—and she thought it would be a good test for us. Looking back, I realize she was giving me seven months to make up my mind.

     When I still wasn’t able to decide, she moved back home. I thought things would go back to the way they had been, but unfortunately it didn’t turn out that way.

     She made excuses for not getting together and picked fights. During one fight, she asked if I wanted to continue the relationship. I was so frustrated I said, “No!” Three days later I called and said I missed her and wanted to see her. She said, “No!”

     To make a long story shorter, three months later she found someone. I believe she started seeing him before we broke up, but she denied it. I mean, she works with the guy. Please!

     The following year was hard on me. She left many things at my place. Finally, one day I gathered them all up and called her. She wanted to come by and get them, but I told her I would drop them off while she was at work. I could not bear to see her.

     Now I am finally over it and she is calling me. The first call was last year. She told me she and her boyfriend got married. A year later she called again. This time she is pregnant. She made both calls sound like she was just calling to say “hi.” When I asked how things were going, she dropped both bombs on me.

     She asked if I was seeing anyone, and I told her I’m starting to get serious about someone. Then she asked if I made up my mind about children. Her tone was negative. It’s almost like she was hoping my new relationship will fail.

     What does she want from me? I mean, why call? She made it clear after she started the relationship with her current husband that we could never hang out, because he was jealous of me.

     Robert

A Robert, she called the first time to tell you she got her wedding. She called the second time to tell you she got her baby. If you had said, “I’m engaged, my girlfriend is pregnant, and we are really happy,” she would have kicked herself for not waiting for you.

     She wanted to know if you wanted a child. You act as if you didn’t have an answer, but you did. The answer was no.

     The excuse you gave dealt with a previous woman, not her. Still, you want to blame her for saying No to you after you said No to her. You also want to think, without evidence, that she jumped the gun with the other man.

     You appear to be upset and sulking over the loss of a sex partner. What do you mention most enthusiastically? The good times in the bedroom. You don’t say she was the sweetest person I ever met and I loved her with all my heart.

     She is angry with what she feels you did to her. A happy woman doesn’t call a bad boyfriend. She calls the boyfriend she hasn’t gotten over.

     There is an ongoing injury here, on both sides, because the two of you didn’t understand you weren’t right for each other.

     Perhaps it is slowly dawning on her that she put the cart before the horse. Her goal was to have a child. She got that. She also got a husband who didn’t put you out of her mind..

     Wayne & Tamara

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