So much has happened in less than a month since I last wrote. I told my husband I wanted a divorce. He doesn't want one but agreed we shouldn't be married if I'm not happy. We settled on a three-month timeline for him to move out. Obviously there's much more to decide.
Without my husband knowing, I stayed in contact with the guy I had a dalliance with and saw him on one occasion. On that occasion, a week and a half ago, we had fun. Then it changed for the worse.
I had a sinking feeling because he said he was still in love with his ex. He mentioned this before, but I dismissed it as him idealizing the past. They had been broken up for years.
The way he described it this time, like she was the one who got away, really hurt me. He added the chances she would return his feelings were slim, and I shouldn't worry. He also said, if he was invested in someone else, his ex would become a non-issue.
I left his place because of what he said and told him I'm not sure we could be together if he felt so strongly about an ex. He felt misunderstood. Later that day I tried to talk with him, so we could move forward.
We kind of made up, but I couldn't set up a time we could talk. In fairness, he had a work trip coming up and his daughter is with him on the weekends. We can't very well talk about his love life in front of her.
But it felt strange. Even during the first few days of his business trip, when I assume he must have some free time, he wasn't offering to have a conversation. At one point he said, "I'm busy. What don't you understand about that?" I think he was busy, but not that busy.
The next day I got really angry. He interfered in my marriage, made me believe he saw a future for us, and now he was seemingly distancing himself. I let him know I was angry by text.
He ignored me, which made me angrier. Then he said, "You're drama I don't need," told me not to contact him, and blocked me.
But God, I did email a short message asking him to forgive my behavior. I also said I hope we can try again in the future when things are more stable for me.
The hardest part is not knowing if I overreacted to him being busy. Was he really busy and I was being crazy? Or was he trying to get rid of me like I suspected? I wish I could have played it cool, but I didn't. Now I'm left with uncertainty.
And I'm depressed. I've called into work a couple of times and can barely get out of bed. Now I'm afraid to leave my husband. I remember dating, and some parts are truly hard. I don't want to be alone out there.
I'm sad this relationship ended. He seemed so into me at one point, and I think I ruined it. I feel rejected and afraid of what's out there. I've always taken the end of romances hard, but this one in particular has felt like a hit to the chest.
Lesa, next week we'll sharpen our chainsaw and clear out a few trees so you can see the forest.
Wayne & Tamara