Relationship Advice

The Right Recipe

sad young man

My partner and I were together 10 months. When we got together, she had just broken up from a three year relationship. She started with me soon after and never took the time to heal and put closure. We just took to each other and ran.

We had our ups and downs, and I guess because she struggled with a lot and tried to make me happy, I fell in love with her. We spoke about a baby and getting married. We were so good together. Now she is telling me she cannot be in a relationship because we did it all wrong.

She says she needs to do what she needs to do because she cannot give me 100 percent. She is a missionary and travels to Africa a lot. She doesn't say when she is okay, we can start over. She says we do not know what the future holds, and she doesn't want to make me a promise and fail again.

I understand. But because we did not start this the right way, she is letting it all go. All the promises and words. I am having a hard time, and it makes me sick. I love her and do not want to live without her. I'm thinking of being her friend and just being there for her. She says she never told me she didn't want me in her life, just that we cannot be in a relationship.

Jeb


Jeb, if she loved you, how things happened would be right for her. Why is she picking it apart? Because this cake didn't taste right. Was there salt in the sugar? Bugs in the flour? A forgotten ingredient? Yes, that's it. A forgotten ingredient. Love.

It didn't last 10 months. You had 10 months of dating. What is dating? Dating is where you ask a girl if you can come over, and she says "in an hour." Then she cleans the whole house and puts on her face. There are no intrusive in-laws, commingled finances, buying a house, losing a job, or children.

When people who love each other talk about ups and downs, it's what life throws at them. A tree crashed down on the house in a storm, but it's of little consequence because they have each other and that's all which matters. When it's not love, what people talk about is what the other person is doing to them.

You would like to be her friend, however that desire is not based on friendship but on the hope of renewed intimacy. And if she accepts your friendship, it may be no more than letting you down easy and providing herself with an insurance policy in case no one else comes along. That's not healthy for either of you.

Tamara