Relationship Advice

Internal Investigation

alarmed woman

About a year ago, I started to suspect my husband was having at least an emotional affair. Something was changing the familiar pattern of our relationship. I also found notes from a woman on his Facebook page and odd numbers on the phone bill.

At first I attributed the change in our level of intimacy to a combination of his age and a medication he was taking for stress. However, when I looked up the medication, there was no indication the drug affected the sex drive. When I asked my husband if he was interested in having an affair, I got a predictable answer.

Then last weekend we were at a pub. He drank too much and told me he would call his younger "friend" to keep him company unless I agreed to stay with him and drink. I was not drinking. I got up and went home, and he followed.

When I asked him about it the next day, he could not give me an explanation. I am an investigator by profession, and part of me wants to follow up. I will be devastated if it turns out he is having an affair--emotional or physical. We have two teenage children. Should I start to dig, or should I live with a suspicious mind?


Rochelle, unchecked, the worm of doubt will eat you up. That's the first reason to consider digging. If your husband is involved with another woman, there is a high degree of risk in your marriage. That's the second reason.

Whenever we have risk in our lives, it is best to try to manage it. That's true whether we are talking about flooding rivers, other drivers, or a potentially unfaithful spouse. But before you can manage risk, you have to identify its presence.

Ignorance prevents you from knowing the hazard and calculating the risk. You may think your marriage will last no matter what, but that is a little like people who believe they are good drivers even when they are drunk. The point is, our beliefs have little to do with the actual level of risk in our lives.

Something has altered your relationship with your husband. You've spoken to him. No resolution came from that. Now you have to step up and do more. It is no different than if a member of your family had a medical problem. Would you forget about it?

You heard a bump in the basement. You're an investigator, so investigate. And hold to the rules of investigation. Document, gather evidence, get all your ducks in a row before you interview the "suspect." Documentation will help should it become necessary to verify things to your children or to others.

Wayne & Tamara