Featured Short Letter

This Week - Approaching Storm

After 10 years of marriage is it settling to be with someone who says they love you but aren't in love with you? What if that person thinks being "in love" is a childish fantasy and grownups don't need to be "in love" to have a happy marriage? Is being "in love" really that important?

Kim

Kim, let us assume the person who says this is your husband. Then the question for him is, how do you keep sailing once you've thrown out the star which guides you? What is the foundation of your captaincy? Financial security? Personal advantage? Convenience?

Circumstances change. Sickness, a business failure, or an ill wind can alter any of the reasons for being together. So can unexpected success. But love holds people together both on calm seas and when things get rough. Without love you have to keep changing why your contract should still be valid.

A marriage without love is like sailing in the Bermuda Triangle. At any time one of you might disappear forever.

Wayne & Tamara

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Last Week - Dark Alleys

I am writing you out of complete frustration. I am a divorced mother of an 11-year-old son and a businesswoman who has had good relationships with men over the years. I've never had trouble finding or keeping friends. I believe to have a friend you have to be a friend, you treat everybody correctly, and you stay away from troubled people.

There's a man I've known over 25 years. We've seen each other through marriages and relationships. We talk on the phone for hours. However, after his second marriage failed four years ago, I believe he came out damaged. We had never been intimate, but two years ago I thought I would give it a try because I always found him attractive.

Well, I discovered that while he's a great lover, he is narcissistic, a sadist, and completely devoid of concern for other people's feelings. I am amazed I never knew this about him, but maybe I wasn't interested in knowing. He claims he won't have a relationship with me unless I am on his page and submissive to his wishes.

I am sad for him. He's really changed. He's exploiting what he knows about my nature for his own benefit. This relationship spells trouble, but I can't seem to let go.

Libby

Libby, though many knew him, the only people who realized Ted Bundy was a serial killer were women within a few moments of dying at his hands. In like fashion, we doubt this man's nature has changed over the last few years. He is one of those who think, "Everyone else on the planet is a sheep, and I am the only human being." He is also shrewd enough to conceal who he is.

For over a hundred years researchers have experimented with up-down reversing prisms. These are glasses which turn the world upside down. The first time people wear up-down glasses they careen into walls and tables, but eventually their brain adjusts to life in a topsy-turvy world.

That is what this man wants you to do. You know you can't cure someone else's cancer. But somehow you think you have the power to change him.

Certain sayings resonate within us: move toward the light, follow your true path, be all you can be. They are not as precise as a map, but they point to the general direction our deep self knows to follow. With each person and in each new endeavor we need to ask if this leads toward our growth and development, or toward a deepening relationship with Ted Bundy.

Wayne & Tamara

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Two Weeks Ago - A Cliffhanger

I have been involved with a married woman for six months. I know her husband through an organization he runs, and I began speaking to his wife online. She is very outgoing, and we began instant messaging. Most of the talks were friendly and comical, and I told her I liked her.

Eventually we met and upon being alone, ended up making out. Neither of us can be blamed for what happened because we both kind of pushed the issue. I am a very realistic person, and I'm guessing she doesn't love me like I love her.

With her husband she has two children. I know she's not stupid enough to diminish her self-interest because her situation now is far better than it would be with me. I'm looking into justification for my next action. I love her. I know she doesn't want to be caught, and I'm wondering if it's best to walk away, or to increase the chances she will be caught.

Martin

Martin, you say she is not to blame and you are not to blame. We agree. You are both to blame.

Look at what's going on. She's the one with the power, and she's not going to leave her husband. The only power you have is the power to punish her. You think, if her husband catches her, he will divorce her. Then she will come to you. That's not likely. If you expose her, she will blame you.

You are counting on divorce as the recognized penalty for adultery, rather than thinking, "I should not be doing this and neither should she." You created this imbroglio. Rather than looking for someone free to be with you, you took a shortcut through a back alley. Now you've hit upon a spiteful solution so distant from love it is hair-raising.

Wayne & Tamara

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