Featured Short Letter

This Week - Relationship Math

I have been with my boyfriend for almost two years. I love him very much, and I am happy in our relationship. But the problem is…I love his personality. I've never met anyone with whom I am so compatible, enjoyed being around, and so forth. But sometimes…I don't really find him attractive.

I think the way he smiles is cute and things like that. But I don't see him walking through the room and think, "He looks so good." I mean, it's not a big problem for me. I've never really dated based on looks. But my question is…do you think a relationship can last even if you don't find the other person physically attractive? Am I horrible for thinking this?

Kris

Kris, in algebra there are two kinds of relationships: equalities and inequalities. An equality is an equation. It says two things are equal. In relationships, it's like saying my total feelings are equal to, or add up to, love.

An inequality says one thing approaches another thing in value, but does not equal it. To a greater or lesser extent, the first thing fails to be the second. That's what you have with your boyfriend. There are things you like about him and things you dislike. That's an inequality, a relationship out of balance.

Wayne & Tamara

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Last Week - Bored On The Orient Express

I am 57 years old, and at this late date in my life I have fallen in love with a woman, 48. She lives close to me, so we bump into each other all the time. I think and dream about her constantly. The problem is I simply cannot fathom her feelings toward me.

I have known her eight months, and there is no intimacy on any level, although I am sure she knows I would like things to be different. At the beginning of our relationship I stopped calling and asking her out for that reason, but I remained friendly and helpful. She, on the other hand, calls me almost every weekend wanting to do things like dinner at her house, movies, or things she knows I like to do.

She is highly intelligent, well-read, and her interests parallel mine. We pass the time most agreeably laughing, talking, or dining. I sometimes think I am foolish and selfish, but this lack of intimacy makes me feel lonely and rejected. We have never talked about this. We dance around issues and put them off for another day. I would walk away, but I keep thinking things may change.

Sam

Sam, imagine you are a mystery writer like Agatha Christie. You've gathered a dozen people on a train, and all they do is eat dinner and look out the windows. Something's amiss here. Where's the murder? Where are the missing jewels?

Say what's on your mind. We always admire people who speak from the heart; they possess integrity. This woman may agree with your feelings or she may reject them, but until you speak up your story will remain a mystery without a plot.

Wayne & Tamara

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Two Weeks Ago - The Inquisition

My boyfriend and I enjoy a passionate relationship, but we argue about trust and these arguments escalate into fiery confrontations. He reads my email and snoops around my computer, citing Dr. Phil's assertion there should be total transparency in a relationship. In the interest of transparency, I've given him my passwords, but I would prefer to open my own email before he gets into it.

Five years ago I had a close male friend who confessed to being in love with me. I ended the friendship, but he's sent emails to me since then. I've deleted each one thinking he would tire of pursuing me. When my boyfriend asked if I'd heard from him, I lied and said no. If I had said yes, I would have been subjected to a grilling and blamed for "enabling" the situation.

My boyfriend found two emails from this old friend in my inbox. We had a flaming row, and he now says he cannot trust me because I lied. I suggested he's never trusted me, borne out by his actions, but he maintains "trust is earned, not given." I don't have anything to hide, but this is really starting to get to me.

Shelby

Shelby, in your boyfriend's mind you are guilty on a daily basis unless you can prove otherwise. People who want to control others often take some current idea from psychology, manners, or religion and twist it to their own advantage. That is what your boyfriend is doing.

He has an opening in his life for a browbeaten woman who can't even open her own email. In his heart he wants you to be unworthy. His problem goes way beyond jealousy. You can never give in to such a person because that confirms to them they are right.

Wayne & Tamara

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