Featured Short Letter

This Week - Been There, Done That

I have been in a relationship for two years. I am 38, he is 49. I have older children and am also a grandmother three times over. I would love for us to have our own family, but he is totally against it. He will not explain why.

Neither of us has to work so we have plenty of time to spend raising a child. I have to say it really hurts and is very confusing. I don't understand how a man can have a child with someone they can't stand and not have a child with someone they are in love with.

I like to do what I can to make him happy, so why is the feeling not mutual? We have a great relationship, and I think adding another child to the family would make it even stronger. Is that so wrong?

Keely

Keely, Shakespeare said, "One man in his time plays many parts, his acts being seven ages." A 49-year-old man may think fatherhood belongs to an earlier age of his life, and that is especially true when the woman he is with is a grandmother three times over.

He may also believe he cannot explain his feelings without insulting you. He may think you are simply bored or trying to compete with your own daughters. Whatever his feelings, they are as valid as your own.

Wayne & Tamara

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Last Week - An Actor's Life

My husband and I are married for 10 months now, and ours was an arranged marriage. Life in these months has totally changed. I feel I have lost myself and am living another's life.

I was born and brought up in Mumbai, whereas my husband was working in the U.S. My parents fixed the alliance and got us married. Even then I knew somehow that our frequencies did not match, but I thought since he seemed to be a nice guy things might work out.

He is reserved, and I am totally the opposite. I am trying my best to make this work, but honestly speaking I don't see any effort from him. Not a single day after marriage has he ever made me feel special or loved.

Life was simple and great before with my family and loved ones. Now I'm so dependent and unhappy. I cannot live in a marriage like this.

Deepa

Deepa, those who say you can marry anyone and make it work are wrong. Some things require an unnamable extra, a je ne sais quoi which makes them more than the sum of their parts. Love is like that.

We feel for you both. He is not the one you dreamed about, the one your heart hoped for. Neither of you is so shallow you can fake it. If you can bear the social ramifications, the answer is divorce.

You want to go back to your family, but they did this to you. Throw yourself on their mercy and say, "If you ever loved me, why would you want me to be so unhappy? Some others can be false to their own heart and forego love for a lifetime, but I cannot."

Wayne & Tamara

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Two Weeks Ago - Selling Herself Short

I'm divorced, a mother of two, barely scraping by. I have two men who want to marry me. One is successful, and I mean seven-figure successful. He is divorced with three kids, and he treats me like a queen. He is not a big personality type. Our conversations are a little difficult, and he is somewhat boring.

The other man is an old boyfriend, divorced, with kids. He is a paramedic, something he loves with a passion. He treats me well, but financially he would not be as secure. If I married him, I would probably be in the same situation, just scraping by.

But he makes me happy, and I feel loved. He loves me with passion. Should I put myself first, or go with the good man who can provide for me and my family?

Lyla

Lyla, over 70 years ago psychologist Abe Maslow proposed a theory of motivation based on our needs. Maslow's idea was that once we satisfy a lower need, a higher need will emerge which we will then want to gratify.

For example, once we satisfy physical needs like the need for food, we will want to satisfy safety needs like the need for shelter. When that is accomplished, our emotional needs will assert themselves. The most important of these emotional needs is our need for love.

Maslow's theory suggests, if you marry for money, you will soon find yourself craving what you don't have. Love. When that happens you will look elsewhere. That is a pattern we often see.

The hitch with marrying for money is that it puts dishonesty at the center of what should be your most cherished relationship. That would not be good for you and certainly not fair to your husband.

Wayne & Tamara

Send letters to: DirectAnswers@WayneAndTamara.com