Relationship Advice

A Painful Lesson

girl with hand on chin

I have a weird situation that has me totally perplexed. I met this guy at a club. He approached me and we hung out the rest of the night. He was really funny, and I felt comfortable with him. He took my number and called me that very night to make sure I was home okay.

We proceeded to date for a month. Everything was nice. It did move fast, but we seemed to really hit it off. He would call and tell me he missed me, he gave me cards and would say things like, "You are the type of woman I would like to come home to."

One day I decided to tell him I really liked him, and I really enjoy the time we spend together. Things went downhill from there. He said he didn't want a girlfriend and he didn't want to be "tied down." He got out of a pretty strained relationship eight months ago with the mother of his child.

My problem is he totally freaked out. I am not sure if he just changed his mind about me and found someone else, or if he is just scared. During one of our conversations, I asked him point blank, "So you are saying you don't want to see me anymore?"

He said that was not what he was saying. I haven't heard from him in a week. I don't have any desire to force myself on someone who doesn't want me. Options? Advice?

Avery


Avery, there is something to be said for cheesy pickup lines. When a guy sidles up to you at a club and says, "heaven is missing an angel tonight," it's an icebreaker. It's funny, corny, and an invitation to talk.

But when a man acts like the male lead in a romance novel, it pays to put your guard up. This man sent you cards and phoned to say he missed you. He said you are the woman he wants to come home to. That's about as close as a man can come to a proposal without saying the words.

They were just words, but what power they had over you. When he called to see if you got home safely, you saw it as gallantry. But a call costs nothing. He may have called simply to make sure he hadn't gotten a fake number.

To your credit, you spoke directly to what he made you feel. Many women don't do that. They won't take a chance on bursting their bubble. At least he was honest. In effect he said, "No, I don't want a girlfriend, and no, I don't want to stop having sex with you."

Wayne once worked for a company with a super salesman. This man was a master of the silent close. When he went for the sale, he would go completely silent. The technique worked because silence creates an awkward pause most people rush to fill with conciliatory words. Typically, the first one to speak loses.

He hasn't contacted you for a week. He is not going to contact you. If you contact him, you have accepted his offer to be a sex buddy, not a girlfriend.

One of our early life lessons is about the birds and the bees. That story is mostly about the mechanics of sex. There is a deeper part to that lesson, one which involves the intersection of love and sex. That's the part which is missing with this man.

Tamara